Although I am generally pretty bad at maintaining and “positive attitude” on things like living a healthier lifestyle, I also work pretty hard at not allowing myself to feel much in the way of self-pity. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s been a mistake.

Of course it’s not healthy to spend much time feeling sorry for oneself. But perhaps in trying not to do that, I’ve failed to allow myself a healthy degree of grieving over my body’s broken metabolism and other issues. Perhaps occasional episodes of sadness or anger about this disease are necessary as part of a healthy attitude.

I’ve only begun playing with this idea. (My business card should read “Overthinking Things Since the 1970s!”) It may well be that I will change my mind on it. But I do believe it’s worth considering.

This month marks my 8th diaversary.  Wow, 8 years ago I got that fateful phone call from my doctor that dramatically changed my life.  Then: the change felt awful, impossible, unfair and overwhelming.  Now: I feel much better.  Yes, I still feel all of those earlier emotions from time to time, but I don’t spend my days feeling as if I drew the short straw.

I began my personal blog about my life with diabetes 2 1/2 years ago and, when I read over the early blog posts, I realize how much has changed in my life since the beginning of my journey.  Sometimes I say “What was I thinking?” because the early Kate with diabetes did some silly stuff that I don’t do now (like thinking that sugar free candy was my savior!  Give me a break, I was desperate).  Now I’m able to eat a moderately low carb diet when back then it seemed like I would never be able to adjust my diet successfully.  Now I manage to fit regular exercise into my days (well, ok, most of the time, not always) but back then I groaned and whined and railed against the need to exercise.

If I could give one bit of advice; one bit of wisdom I’ve gained over the years living with diabetes, it would be that you can change.  It may seem impossible now but if you take things one step at a time and focus on the big picture, you will get there.  I don’t claim to have the answers and I certainly have my days when I need someone’s shoulder, but I am content with my life, despite my diabetes.  It’s along for the ride, but it’s not steering the ship.

Cheers!

Life is full of ideas that most of us just accept without examining them or even being aware of them. Here’s one:

“You can do anything if you want to badly enough.”

This idea is what leads some doctors to try to instill fear in their patients. The approach would even seem to have some merit, because some people do respond to a disease diagnosis or serious warning by making significant and lasting changes.

Before we look at whether this idea is really true, let’s flip it around:

“If you can’t do something, it’s because you don’t want to badly enough.”

Here is where our idea starts to become dangerous. I’ve spent a lot of time over the years either feeling guilty that I wasn’t sufficiently motivated to lose weight, trying to psychoanalyze myself to figure out why I wasn’t sufficiently motivated, or trying to artificially pump myself up to a higher level of motivation. None of this has helped in the least.

It seems to me to be useful to break our idea into two ideas:

“Greater motivation produces greater effort.”

and

“Greater effort produces better results.”

Both of these statements are suspect, but let’s concentrate on the first one. Does greater motivation lead to greater effort?

There are at least two things that can get in the way of motivation producing effort. The first is when we either do not know what action we could take to move us forward, or we don’t believe that the possible actions we know about would be effective. The other is that though strong desire can spur us to action, it can also paralyze us.

People differ in how they respond to crises. I myself too often responds to a crisis with both mind and body seeming to shut down. Even in a situation that is not a crisis, strong feelings about something that I want to do seem to strangle clear and creative thinking. I have to find a way to view the situation more coolly before I can make progress. This is part of why I think it is dangerous to try to use fear to motivate others.

I once read a friend’s concern for a relative that had been recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. This relative was not testing his blood, was not making needed changes in his diet, and was not doing the exercise which would have benefited him. It may indeed have been, as my friend assumed, that the relative did not understand his situation and was therefore unmotivated. But, it may also have been that he did understand his situation but was frightened past the point where he could take effective action.

If there are changes that we want to make in your self-care that we can’t seem to pull off, it may not be that we don’t want to change badly enough but that there are other barriers we need to find our way around.

When you go to an amusement park, many people want to ride the roller coaster. The anticipation. The excitement. The fear. It’s thrilling! Most people who ride roller coasters enjoy what observers would call sheer terror, at least from their facial expressions. The unknown at the top of the hill. Not knowing if it is a turn or a drop. The ups and downs of a roller coaster and the speed are what make it exciting.  At the end, many want to take that ride again.

It’s not the same with the diabetes roller coaster. The ups and downs are terrifying, but not in a thrill ride sort of way. The uncertainty of complications. The anticipation of how food and activity works to benefit or harm of glucose levels. This fear is not exciting. The unknown of when the ride will once again be on steady ground. Faces showing terror that doesn’t end with someone begging to take that ride again.

Many times guilt comes along for the ride. If only I hadn’t eaten that. If only I took a walk today. If only I could keep on top of things. Anger joins in. Yelling. Sometimes cursing. Bitterness toward a disease. Sadness also sits in the next car. Tears. Possible depression. Fear tags along. Hoping to keep complication away.

Yes, diabetes is a roller coaster ride. Not only dealing with glucose levels going up and down, but also the mixture of emotions that go along with it. It may not be a fun ride, but it can be a little less scary with the support of family and friends.